Impossible
by prettilitTLepoison
Summary: Superjail! . . . I was falling in the Warden's Rabbit Hole, I was lost to the world... lost... in some kind of hot, claustrophobic Wonderland...
1. Relax

This man was of the most impossible nature.

This man, with his flamboyant purple suit and orange glasses, walking cane in hand, ready to spout colorful, mad, genius ideas at random. Waiting to pop out of a rainbow and scare me half to death. I chuckled inwardly, only to have it die in the blood my new shoe inadvertently stepped in.

'Wonderful! A great way to start the day!' I thought, wiping sweat from my forehead. But I realized I had said it out loud, as some of the inmates were staring at me a little funny. God, please... make today... uh, somewhat bearable. I wheezed in some air, exhaling nervous, bubbly titters.

This man, long and lithe in his frame, a gaping hole in between his two front teeth, had it in for what was most assuredly my last ounce of sanity.

It seemed it was going to be an even longer day ... than yesterday!

Once I finally reached my office, the new day's activities and responsibilities plagued my mind. I don't know why I have kept this job for so long.

_This man is..._

Will be the death of me.

Impossible.

I went to my desk, reading the note I placed on it the night before.

_FYI- Talk to The Warden about budget change. _**Important!**

I remember why I left it for today, I was too tired to hear his reply of something like, "But _Jarrrred_, if we don't get the golden bunny shrines (with the laser/mind control ruby eyes), how else will I be rabbit overlord of all my tiny little bunny minions?" His hands gestating wildly, his eyes all shimmery and _blah_!

This man ...has... such strange ideas.

I started putting together all of the documents and scattered papers to go over with the Warden; trying to organize them as quickly as possible, heaving a anxious little sigh. I just _know _he has something cooked up for today! To face the music with most bosses is no joy ride, no picnic in central park. But with the Warden, it's always a game; a little less ominous and a lot more child-like. It always starts with an odd, off place note, with several loopy, colorful notes to follow, a few bangs and clicks and ticks like kids banging on pots and pans in the kitchen, then a uncontrollable stream of LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU _or _YOUR LOGIC LALALA!

I reached his door as the finale hit me hard. 'I know you can't hear me.' I thought with an strange sadness.

I knocked. And knocked and knocked... and well. Knocked.

Despite what his ravings on would be, and despite what he might have yelled, or might have said if I came in unannounced, I let myself in.

My breath caught in my throat and I began to sweat (even more). There... this man was... sitting in his desk, a contented, relaxed expression on his face, almost thoughtful. He was listening to something with his headphones.

I wanted to go up to him right away and discuss the matter, but he... he looked so.... so.....

Oh god save me for saying this!

So_ beautiful_.

God, god, god oh goooooooooooooooood.

I watched him for a few more moments until I lost control and my eyes started glossing over all the paperwork and words and letters started mashing and swirling and ...! I found myself blurring away his features as I started wheezing and breathing erratically, ranting things I never knew would ever come from my mouth.

Something like.... 'You egotistical bastard, yo-you frilly, aging child! Alice isn't a woman, you know that, RIGHT? OH, GOD! So, so much to do!' I wheezed and coughed, pointing at him, papers flying all over the floor. 'You did this to me! You, you, YOU! You're just a crazy, se---lunatic is what you are! ARGH! You're just ridiculous!' God, did I almost say.... sexy? I'm_ really_ bad at insulting people.

'And _stop_ listening to that thing, cause we have so, so, so MUCH TO DO!'

The Warden suddenly opened his eyes and I near about fainted.

"Jared, what's with the hissy fit? You really need to learn to _relax_!" He stressed the last word, probably noticing how bad I was wheezing. He took off his headphones and eyed me carefully.

I scrambled to find an excuse. "I.. uh, but I _was_ relaxing sir!" I coughed again. Smooth.

The Warden merely smiled, leaning over the desk. "Believe it or not, I wasn't always the calm, collected charmster you see in front of you..."

He was so smooth... I hate him.

He went on a little spiel about some 'DL Diamond' his eyes all twinkly and glowing, his body twirling and everything. Oh, jeez, here we go.

Before I realized I 'forgot' to talk to him about the budget, it was obvious money was no object tonight, and my plan would have to be revised anyway. I sighed as he disappeared into some kind of chute like slide thing.

"See you at the shooow!"

Impossible.


	2. Just Mad For You

As I predicted --- DL Diamond, the mad man who the Warden hired decidedly to 'tighten' morale around here has set off the whole damn prison in a, a... mass psychosis! Who could honestly be swayed by this mumbo jumbo... th-this blasphemy! Well, _besides _prison inmates, which would make sense--- and well, a naive, starry eyed Warden? Who ever heard of a Warden so ---Willy Wonka-Esq? Its... He's...

Just mad. Mad, mad, mad. So mad in fact, his insanity reaches anything and everything he touches---every time he smiles at the bars of the cells and at the inmates and at that damn Alice, his lip trembling as he bites it nervously--- in anticipation, for gods sake, of that--- DL Diamond person. Its like the Warden _enjoys_ being in a prison setting. He's not only mad, he's quite... well...

Shit, maybe he's the only reason I'm alive, well, living right now.

If it weren't for this job, and this life, and this man, I would probably be on the damned streets, coughing and asking people for quarters---no! Pennies! Scraping up to score some more heroin or---

No. I'm pa-past that._ Past that_!

My thoughts jar loose and slip into my stomach, giving it a slightly queasy, drooping feeling as I realize the Warden is pulling me off somewhere.

"Oh, dearest me! It's really true! We're really gonna meet DL Diamond In Person!" He's jumping, almost hopping, as he speaks, and I try to maintain my self control. I really just want to vomit, or run away. I'm so damn nervous. I'm sweating like a rain forest after a thunderstorm. Wow, what a horrible simile. Aha. I sneak a smile, a nervous little twitch of my mouth. Sometimes he makes me smile.

The door cracked open, and just then I realized Alice was accompanying us. How wonderful.

"How splendiferous! Mr. Diamond, it's so good to meet you finally in person!" The Warden gushed, his toothy grin twitching, his hands all wobbly. I even saw some sweat on his brow. Wow. He really likes this character, DL, doesn't he?

"I have all of your tapes." The Warden pulls them out of his pant pocket (I think?), letting them fall to the ground in a nervous click-click-click of plastic.

I pick them up hastily. So, so, so, so SO MUCH TO DO!

I notice an awkward shyness in The Warden, catching in his eye as he listens to DL speak. Its positively manic the way he's smiling right now. Its... its... like how the Warden looks at...

Alice?

What the fuuuuuuuuuuuc------

"You don't have this one." DL replies gruffly, his voice all deep and scratchy. Th-then.. he pulls it out of his underwear, For Christ's Sake! How did I not notice that was all he had on! JESUS!

He throws it, bouncing off of my head as it fell into my hands.

I hear, 'Put this on the Superjail sound system...' and 'Hey, midget, go get me some fresh brew,' or something.

He really, really in_furiates_ me! But I'm really glad to get outta there.

--

Oh, oh, oh my god.

Something terrible... Just TERRIBLE just happened!

Well... not terrible, just... HORRENDOUS! I hate to break such news to the Warden!

I walked in to give that Diamond character his alcohol like he asked, when---

When I opened the door there he was--- it was---

No makeup (Well, makeup IS creepy on a man anyway!), no hair, no teeth! Scratches and burns everywhere! It looked like he was boneless, almost, like his body would collapse in on him at any moment! I mean, I guess I shouldn't be so harsh... a man wants to look good for all his adoring, idiotic fans, right?

It doesn't mean he's a phony... Oh what am I kidding! Of _course_ he is!

And what's more, just before I went in, I almost believed his crazy scheme could solve my years of depression!

I must tell the Warden!

Must, must, must!

--

"Oh, Jared, you know," The Warden began, fiddling with his bow tie, "Its probably a costume, you saw how handsome he was. I mean, are we looking at the glass half empty again, are we?" He repeated the 'are we?' twice, the second time was all loopy and high sounding, like he was really, really happy and nothing could change it. He wriggled his eyebrows and twirled his cane above my head.

"Na..No Sir. I'm.. I just think... well.. we shouldn't be spending such an exorbitant amount of money on--"

"I don't much care--"

"Don't ya see, what you see when he's on stage IS the costume, he's a phony, a fraud and he wants your money, not your well-being, or well, you." I blurted. A strange blast of shock splattered opon my bosses face; and I immediately knew I had drawn the line----and crossed it easily.

"Phony." The Warden said icily, with a hint of mocking, and god dammit, did it sting. "Don't bother to follow me." He glared and walked off.

I had to go to the damn show now. I had to set things right. I had all the evidence against DL; and ---

I had to set things straight. No pun intended.

"Wa-wait Warden, please!" I yelled louder than I intended.

I saw him stop a moment.

I ran quickly, but then he started to walk off again.

"Ah, Warden... please wait up for me!"

No answer.

"I'm, ah, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it, you know, I'm just so NERVOUS! I'm so worried about you, he might try to destroy you and take all your money or something! Please!"

"Destroy...." The Warden paused. "Me?"

"I-- uh..."

"HAH! That's a HOT one, Jared. Come along, we'll be late." The Warden chuckled, apparently in a lighter mood now.

Just a madman.

Before we go into the auditorium, he pulls me over to a corner. I start sweating like a bastard, as I notice the Warden's pleading look.

"Well, Jared, you better nauuught say this, not even to Alice," He blew a raspberry, "You know women," He winks and I nod to appease him, "I sort of ...well, I......" He trailed off.

"Wh-what sir?"

He leaned in really close, so close in fact, I nearly vomited on myself.

"I.... think I have a tiny, ency wincy little... crush."

I chuckled, relieved that it was something simple, but for some reason, I blushed. I shook it off and began to speak. "Ah Warden, that's nothing to be worried about. Crushes are perfectly normal. You know, I--"

"Bu-uut..." He wagged his finger at me like someone would a child. "Its not normal." the Warden looked up, his hand under his chin thoughtfully. He shook his head. "Well, not normal for me, that is."

Jesus, save me. I was sweating so hard, I just knew I was dehydrated.

Just then, over the intercom, an announcement was called. "THE SHOW WILL START IN FIVE SECONDS!"

"Come on, AHHH! It's starting!" The Warden screamed in his laughter, trailing ahead of me like a purple blob as he ran in.

I didn't think another second on the Warden's words as I followed the bright, rainbow trail. Yes, there was a rainbow from where he walked, like an imprint. Jesus.

Maybe_ I'm_ mad.


	3. Brilliant

_"I.... think I have a tiny, ency wincy little... crush."_

The words suddenly echoed in my brain. It was odd that I thought nothing of it beforehand.

I mean, who knew what the Warden did outside of work? Who he talked to, who he hung out with; and I really never gave it much thought. My mind is going full blast. I guess it's because I now have a reason to justify my curiousity.

Cause, who would he have a crush on here, at Superjail, with what the inmates, Alice, and me. The only plausible and known crush is in fact Alice. I have no reason to believe that the Warden is gay, but maybe it's possible he's bi---

Stop it Jared! You're over thinking things!

I guess I should just come clean and admit I'm bisexual. I'm not ashamed to admit that, but if I said anything in the workplace, there could be--- _complications_. I have no social life, really any_more_, and only have fallen in love twice.

Whose to say if what I thought was love--- was really just some damn puppy love or something. I'll just say my first love was fleeting, a minor setback--- I made the HUGE mistake of falling for my best friend. He made the mistake of thinking he felt the same, only to tell me two weeks into our awkward relationship that he was just confused. It killed me, it really did.

That's when I got into drugs. Really bad. I lost my job, all connections with my family, except my sister, and my home, eventually.

The Warden saved me---literally. He gave me a good paying job, got me clean, and helped me in ways I can't begin to explain. I think it was all unintentional, though. The Warden is quite an oblivious guy when he wants to be. Other times, you just know his brain is on fire, his eyes are not at all innocent or kind---just pure insanity---which, in his case, works for him. He's a brilliant man.

Really, very brilliant. He just uses it in odd, misguided, and often very funny ways. Scary ways.

I can't laugh when I'm around him, really. I shake too much. I'm just a nervous person, all around.

Anyway, my second love was even more fleeting. Her name was Cherise or something. Ah, well, I don't really think about her anymore anyway.

I can't imagine who he's crushing on.

I mean, I know I'm digressing, but the kind of women that the Warden is attracted to---are very manly.

I'm not sure if Alice is really a woman. In fact---I KNOW she/he/it isn't. I don't really have a problem with it---I'm pretty screwed up too, but the only issue I foresee is when he finally sees Alice for who HE is. Or something. It might just break his ego maniacal heart.

Maybe he is a polymorphic perverse.

I think its better I not think of the Warden that way. Its not healthy to think of your boss this much.

Right?

Oh, god...

I might just be falling for this mad man.

I'm just that _brilliant_.


	4. Sure

I know I skipped out on DL's final night here--- but I am really just too damn _angry_ to spell it out. I mean, I'll get over it, there's been worse going's on here at Superjail, but, but it's just that the Warden can be so _dense_ sometimes. He blamed me---blames me for almost everything that goes wrong around here. Its--uh, argh! _Very_ frustrating. I just try to help...

What I'm really worried about is that I might get back on drugs again. Well--- see, DL said that he was going to take everyone to see the 'Galactoids', (who by the way I'm not sure if that was _apart_ of the hallucination of the drugs or something real when I saw them and their spaceship hovering above--ah run on sentence--), and handed out this 'magical' dust. I wasn't really paying attention until I saw what was up, and what they were giving all of the inmates and our _precious_ Warden. It was most likely some angel dust or cocaine, I don't know, and thinking back, it might have been laced too. The Warden followed as soon as I tested it (Don't know how or why I thought _that_ was a good idea!)... and---

I just really hope I don't go back to drugs again. I don't think I will. I hope I won't.

And even though I almost never get a real apology from the Warden, or even a note of sympathy,

I'm sure he doesn't mean it. I'm sure he doesn't.

_Sure_.

Sympathy.

* * *

The next day, when I went into his office to talk to him about usual business, it was thick with silence, so thick, I might have choked. He was hidden under his hands, sobbing quietly and oddly it was a rare moment of humility for him ---human-like--- and all I_ could_ do was _just_ _stand_ there. He seemed to be lost in the thick haze for a few moments until he realized someone else was in the room with him. When he looked at me, it was with an edge of desperation. What the desperation meant, or who it was for, or anything about it really, seemed not to matter to him at the moment--- for red blotches of what seemed like terror etched into his features, terror of something so private that I had stumbled upon. His eyes were bloodshot and dark, his familiar laugh lines deepened like permanent cavernous tombs, his hair frazzled and his hands trembling like a god damn rickety wagon on a cobblestone street. I have no idea what I looked like--- I'm sure I was sweating a puddle beneath my feet at that point.

"Gooaa-Gosh Darn it! Ge-get outtaa here Jaaared!" He rasped, anger mounting just enough to make me jump out of my skin. Before he could say another word, I closed the door as quietly as my nerves would let me, then ran to my own office. I saw Alice on the way and asked her in a choking voice not to go in there for a while, my hand pointing in The Warden's general vicinity. She grunted, but you could tell she didn't care either way.

Her indifference pissed me off, I bet if she saw what I saw she'd give the same, vague look she always gives. That---Thing---doesn't deserve his constant worship.

Something's bothering me, and its not the fact that my heart is pounding like a jack hammer, and that Alice is unconcerned or even curious of the Warden's welfare, its something I can't put my finger on.

_Sympathy_.

* * *

I keep dwelling on it---

I keep telling myself--

That the smile that gleams upon my face---

Is just an act--

And he doesn't provoke anything resembling--

Happiness---

To me--

I keep on telling myself---

It's just not meant to be--

To be- to be- to be

I keep on telling myself---

Its only

A single

Involuntary

Twitch

A dysfunction of my nerves

And muscles

Nothing more

To dwell on

---Happiness---

But I tend to dwell anyway

On

A single pulse that roars

In Madness,

An intense

Euphoria

That

Shines in his eyes

_Evil_

Is what I want to think

But his madness

Is madness

I think

I drink

In

Like

The finest wine

----Its just a twitch

I'm sure-------


	5. I found a Reason

(A/n: Thank you all for the positive reviews. I worked really hard on this chapter, so enjoy it please! I hope the romance doesn't get in the way of our friendship! Ahhh! I promise there will be more action and less talk/thinking in the next chapter.)

* * *

I was _swamped _today. I had more to catch up on than I thought. Basically I keep track of all of Superjail's expenses, pay for the bills and lawyers (You HAVE to have a couple of really good lawyers to back up _Superjail_.), and make sure the place runs relatively smooth, and thank god Alice helps out with that. Its a job, a career, that continually finds ways to kick my ass, interestingly enough, the insane amount of pressure I ingest and carry around makes me pan out the best of my work.

I am _damn _good at what I do anyway, and the Warden knows it.

I got most of the difficult work out of the way before lunch, and after, I really worked my ass off, and even then, the whole budget was still screwed. What I really want is a secretary---that would really ease my burden. Maybe I'll talk to the Warden, but I doubt I'll get one.

The only good thing about doing all the work is that my mind is completely occupied, and that can be good sometimes.

I didn't have a single moment to even think of the Warden, and the incident yesterday, except of course at lunch. Even then, we didn't speak. I was grateful for that, cause sometimes, the Warden likes to chat with me, mostly about Alice and how _ravishing_ she looks. Ugh.

And other times, he can be quite the conversationalist. Sometimes, I just _stare_ at him---

Ah...Anyway.

Well, today at lunch, the Warden was especially dreamy. I mean, he was--ah, he looked like he was day dreaming. It was obvious he was looking at Alice, batting his eyelashes and everything, he likes to do that and of course he thinks no one notices. It sort of made me angry. I mean, I wasn't jealous or anything, but still. I really want to tell him the truth about Alice, but its not really my place to do that. And anyway, who knows? Maybe he's always known about _it_, and doesn't care, maybe even finds _that _attractive? It seems more likely that he's oblivious. Its sort of endearing, despite that he blames me for ridiculous things and treats me like dirt sometimes, he really is sort of endearing. And then---like yesterday, he pulls one over on me. He shows some humility. Some humanity. And I'm stuck because I want to hate him. I want to hate him so much---for his selfishness, and that damn ego that drenches every inch of Superjail---but I can't. The thing is, he's so damn adorable, he could be stabbing a cat and people will go out of their way to make excuses for him. 'Oh, that cat, he was a mean old thing.' or 'Oh, that cat hisses at everything, even scratched my kid once.'

I mean, when you first meet the Warden, you want to like him---and you want him to like you back. Something about him is just---fascinating, intense, engaging, colorfully mad---and that's what makes his madness--work. Its entertaining. Its frightening. Its just The Warden. And he follows you. In your dreams (not like when he did literally!) and long after you've left the confines of Superjail, he's still on your skin, on your mind, in your mind, and you know you'll never meet anyone lik--

Anyone like--

Like--

_Oh god_.

Like Allie.

--

All my parents ever did was go to work, come home, then listen to the evening broadcasts on the Virtual Radio before going to sleep at 9:30 pm. Sunday Mass meant all day worship, every single Sunday, no excuses. No meat except fish on Fridays. They were very conservative, so it goes that I never told them I was bisexual.

I promised myself I'd never become one of those ''stuffed shirt'' kind of guys, like my father who almost never laughed and smiled without his eyes. It frustrated me to have to rely on my parents for a bulk of my existence---they were very unimaginative people. I never wanted to lose my_ fun _or my imagination. If someone met me for the first time, got their first impressions and cliches worked out, and then went to the past, they would never think we were the same person.

When I was 17, I grew my hair out even though my mom hated it, I was skinny and pale, but toned, and I didn't have one hair on my chest, which I lucked out because a lot of the girls I dated _liked _feminine guys, and that was good, since I liked how I looked and wasn't going to change. I wore really hippie like clothes (which was way out there for my time, being that hippies stopped existing a least a hundred years ago, and I only knew about it from a thrift store employee.) and I _didn't _do drugs or drink, except for the occasional Gitane, a brand of French cigarette, but I went out a lot, chasing after girls, a couple of guys---experimenting, of course, was my excuse at the time, and I was really political. I liked to debate, especially about the legal system. Its funny, I never saw myself working for any prison or judicial system or court, or even with lawyers. I was the type that hated bureaucracy when other kids hated that they had to clean their room, well, I hated that too.

But here now, I wonder what really came about all those years, from my late youth to my adulthood, that made me so formal and --eh, so nervous and so eager to please.

From the moment Allie kissed me, the moment we became one---to the moment he left me in my own confusion and shock---I can't really remember what happened from that point---to now.

I ask myself that sometimes, and every time, and every moment, its a different answer. Its always the same premise, but the details get fuzzy and expand and contract---I try not to think about it. I know I'm horribly repressed. And its not just from the drugs.

I don't want to try and discern from what was real and what was intentionally fake.

Sometimes, I know who I am. I really, really do. I'm fine and I know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

I wonder about when I thought I was really happy. I think happiness is a moment---a collection of tiny little moments---that really is only there to keep you from going completely insane. I don't think life is about giving you happiness in the long run. Its about survival. Its about overcoming obstacles, to achieve spiritual and emotional growth, not really happiness. Happiness is but a distraction from those things.

And when I was _really_ happy---it was only due to my best friend's confusion.

Once I knew this--all the moments---inside---rolled over and curled into shock, pulling and roaming, till it asphyxiated my heart with a madness, a madness that kept me from finding happiness from then on. When I was a kid, I was a take action type of guy. Now all I do is write it down. Like in here.

So, I grew up, and now I'm something I never meant to become. Nervous, sensitive, weak--- wrapped in a suit and sweaty skin---good with money---great with advice---but happy? At least I kept my smile, and I kept my laugh, and I kept my heart. That's all that matters.

--

I talked to the Warden today about possibly hiring a secretary or two, and this is what he said, "What a _wondrous_ idea, Jared! I have just the sextetary!" He practically beamed sunshine in my eyes with his smile.

"Uh, Sir? Sextetary?" I chuckled a little, wiping sweat from my brow.

"Oh yeah!" He gave me the thumbs up sign. I sighed uneasily, wondering what he meant, if anything at all. Then I smiled.

"Uh, um, Thank you Sir." I tried not to let my laughter get out of control till I left his office.

The more I think on it, I think the reason I've stayed here--- is for the very same reason I fell for Allie.

But Allie is _not_ the Warden.

And there is no way in _hell_ the Warden is Allie.

But, I do know, though this is fucking scary as hell, I won't let myself tweek out. I'll stay calm.

I'll take the Warden's advice.

I'll relax.


	6. Nothing

Time rolled by---breath by breath---hazing and fazing my sight.

Wh-where am I? The overwhelming question in my mind brought no answer.

I am so relaxed---so pleasantly relaxed---I---

My words were cut off as my vision cleared, and like the Cheshire Cat---grinning all the while--the Warden, or what looked like him, stared straight at me, whistling through his teeth. He snapped his fingers and I soon became aware of _reality_.

"A little fuzzy, are we? You dozed off there." He giggled like candy was on his lips. I saw we were in my office. It was way too quiet. The walls, the furniture, everything looked _muted_.

"Wh--why are you here?"

The Warden squinted his orange tinted eyes and cocked his head against his shoulder. I stared back for a moment, then started to get a little nervous when he said nothing.

"What are y-you--what are you star-"

Before I could enunciate another syllable, he leaned forward and said, "You have a bit O' mustard on your cheek, there." He smiled and pointed a gloved finger to the spot on my face. I took a handkerchief from my pocket and wiped my face, but there was nothing there.

"Ha!"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"It was on the other side of your face!" He giggled as he curled into a ball in the chair, his laughter musical and familiar, and soon all I saw was his glowing eyes---

"Oh, s_hut_ up..." I said endearingly, speaking in a strange voice---that was so sure and so different, as did the Warden. He merely smiled.

He stretched like cat, his whole body--purring--a soft, breathy sigh leaving his lips, his eyes suddenly so intense.

I literally lost my breath when I saw them.

Just then---all I felt was the Warden grab my handkerchief from my clenched hand, leaning in close to my ear, "Here, let me get that..." His voice was as loud as it was silent... creeping into my senses as his breath trailed lower, to my lips---

And suddenly, his features morphed---

"I_ love..._" A shock of blond hair, a glimmer of blue eye, "you--"

_Then---I woke up._

_--_

I decided to write down that dream up there so I will soon forget it. It was horrible, so horrible it fascinated me.

And Allie in my dream like that---

. . .

---I'm sure glad the Warden doesn't have that damn Dream Machine anymore.

--

Today, I got a very strange surprise. Very, very strange. I don't even understand it. And I still don't know why the Warden was upset the other day. It almost seems like it never happened. I don't know. And now, I don't know if he'll ever be alone. At least, alone enough to talk to him in private.

Anyway, I knocked into a very beautiful woman as I was walking to the mailing room today, and at first I thought she was lost, or had intruded. Now that I know who she is, I really wish I had been right.

She almost fell over, but I instintively grabbed on to a little fold of her olive green skirt, keeping her from falling. She stumbled a little before she got her bearings back. I apologized like a mad man, stuttering, blushing that I had touched her skirt and all. It was kind of funny to her, though.

And then, before I could get one real word in edgewise, the Warden shows up.

"Oh, ho, ho, I see you two have met." The Warden grinned, wrapping his arm 'round her waist. I blushed, I know I did.

"No, not yet. We sort of just---stumbled upon one another." Her voice was strangely relaxing, sort of monotone, but had a definite feminine edge.

"Ah, well, Faryn, this is Jared. Jared, this is your new _sex_tetary..." He looked at her and winked like a loony. "Isn't she a gem--"

She jammed his side and he 'Ooh_ph_ed!', her smile catching and bright at his surprise jab. The Warden apparently thought her aggressive act was attractive, as his eyes went all fluttery.

I was so damn nervous---I couldn't even breath, much less talk. I had a million paranoid thoughts running through my head---but then in an aching realization, I summed it up to---to...

She jumped me out of thinking as she held out her hand. "Do not mind him---he's quite the charming flirt when you first meet him," She leaned in a little closer, "But you have to wonder if the flirting is for himself, sometimes." She whispered, and laughed a little. I chuckled, taking her hand finally---feeling a little stupid to let her hand dangle in the air like that.

She didn't seem to mind at all when it practically slipped from her grasp---I was sweating like a mad-man. The Warden blew a raspberry at her, and she did it back, with playful venom. They giggled.

She grinned again, and stepped back, releasing my sopping hand.

I took her in my sight.

She reminds me of someone.

No, not someone.

Two someone's.

But I definetly decided to ignore THAT thought.

I decided she was alright.

"So, uh, Faryn, was the Warden kind enough to procure you with a office of your own?" Wow. I didn't stutter at all.

She smiled wryly, and the Warden scoffed. "You talk just like a book, you know that?" She commented, then went on. "Yes, he did in fact." I saw her trail a finger along his yellow waist coat. His face was like paradise, his breath all soft and--ahh!

"Yes, and it's the most amazing office!" The Warden cut in. I saw Faryn roll her eyes.

"Amazing like you, huh?" She added in there, knowing what he would say.

The Warden was in a oblivious moment, and nodded with a cocky grin, his eyes all knowing.

I smiled, but felt my stomach tie into knots. Something about her.

_Something_--

I hope for the Warden's sake my suspicions are wrong.

But the problem is---they usually aren't.

--

She is very efficient. She's been very good at her job for the first couple of days, and I feel better, I guess. Doesn't even get distracted by the Warden's wiles. At least, not all the time, anyway, and I can't blame her. _Any_one could get lost in the Warden's wiles...

But everyday, I notice something---eerily familiar about her.

She has a very creepy grin sometimes.

Her hair---curly--short--blond, her eyes a hazel green, her skin, pale.

She has a wonderful androgyny to her, but at the same time, it is oddly familiar.

Familiar.

--

I know that if I said something about my suspicions--the Warden wouldn't listen! But if I don't, I'll just keep on thinking I'm insane---or---just

Insanely---jealous...

--

I have no proof of anything.

I have nothing.

---

_Nothing_.


	7. Swirling in a small space, falling Tall

The way you smiled. The way you held her hand.

The way _she_ held your hand. It was enough to drown in---that envy I felt.

She gave me such a nasty look today; I think she noticed how I kept staring.

Staring at you...

With a greedy look in her eyes, she grinned, her teeth insultingly white as they glared at me. She likes to fawn over you, like a trophy. You don't mind, do you? Of course not.

I decided to go take a break outside, which meant, the only outside Superjail really had. (It's hard to explain, Superjail has a weird reality within it.)

Have you ever felt like life was fake? I looked at the immense sky---_so big it broke my soul_, and at clouds that looked like dirty fingerprints, cascading slowly until the white was a dirty black, like an artist in a 'good mood turned bad' painted it, birds zooming like bullets across the white of it. I wanted a cigarette bad, hell, I would have taken anything anyone would have given me at that point.

That thought gave me chills. I had reverted to being addicted to unhappiness, and at that moment, I felt ---

As fake as that sky.

--

I was wondering how you and her met, and--it was kind of funny, heh, I mean, you two were pretty funny about it when you told me. You both kept interrupting each other and laughing and---

You snort when you laugh too hard, you know.

When I heard that---I felt a tug inside---and I wanted to keep you all to myself.

And while I was smiling at the absurd story, smiling at your unabashed snort---inside---I was red hot---musty---and I couldn't really catch my breath.

You stopped for a moment to catch your own breath, slapping your knee as you coughed, probably from laughing so much---

And you looked at me. I felt something between us suddenly, and whether I was crazy or not, it was something oddly true, but fleeting. My self-control extinguished and suddenly I felt dizzy, hot tears roll over my clammy skin, and I hated myself for not getting out of there sooner.

I angrily wiped the hot salt away, coughing a little. I didn't know I'd cry, for god sakes.

Your brow raised and you looked concerned. "Ja-Jared, are you okay? You don't look too hot." You said in a focused accent, out of place from the previous scenery.

I was about to nod until I heard, "Does he ever?" Faryn said in a quiet sarcasm, your eyes looking at me, then her. You chuckled lightly, and I couldn't tell if you were laughing at me, or just because a joke is a joke. I don't know.

It seemed a little forced.

But then you stopped as I wiped the accumulating sweat on my face, wheezing, everything about this moment intensifying inside of me. I wanted to die, I really did.

"He looks like shit." Your voice was small. Or maybe I_ felt_ small.

Tipping on the balls of my feet... I leaned against the nearest wall.

"No worse than that mannish security guard does." Faryn practically growled, still in monotone, a little smile hidden on those lips.

I brightened a little at that---no way in HELL you would let that one fly.

You did a double take, and your eyes lowered into little slits. "You did na_uught_ just say that about Alice." I could see something close to anger swelling in your wiggling fingers. Then---she touched your neck with a single sleek touch, and somehow, everything seemed okay again.

What the hell?

"Oh, Warden, you do know I was just messing with you." I saw her trailing her other fingers along your thigh-------and I almost puked by that tone---it was seductive..._horrible_.

You sighed and pulled her closer.

And then the most horrific thing happened---I saw it.

Not 'it' as in Alice--- I saw her as it really was.

It was just a glimpse, but it was more than enough to make a horrible dream become a real life nightmare...

The Twins.

She's one of the Twins.

My knees buckled as I fell over in a daze; still fresh in my mind, _that smile of his. _And when I woke up, I was in Superjail's sick ward.

I _just knew it!_

I knew it was the Twins!

God damn it!

--

The sickness reeks in every wall and crevice of Superjail.

I feel it.

I smell it, a sickly, tainted ooze.

It's not colorful---it's not at all, in any way, who you are and what everything used to be.

That thing is draining you.

At the 'Super' Sick Ward, you looked worried, and I was glad you were alone. I would be in a coma if _she_ had come along.

"Ya know, Jarred, if you died, I would have no idea where to start on that tax evasion thing." You clicked your tongue and leaned close to my face comically. "It'd be pretty sad. You know, me with money."

....I obviously didn't say anything, but you were off, not yourself. I should have realized that...that...you just weren't _you_ at this point. And not just from this incident....

I looked at you funny for a second, a little freaked from the comment of money _and_ death, and though it felt close to hitting home, I shrugged. I felt an urgency, like this was a rare moment to talk to him like this, in private, and nothing could or should distract me. "Uh, sir, I need to talk to you--"

"Is it about the bunny shrine?" Your eyes blew up like miniature fire crackers as you said it, your tongue licking the side of your lip.

"Na-no sir, it's about...about..." I couldn't. He eyed me, interested, and I gave in. I was caving, and I knew I had to tell him.

"That woman is not who you think she is! She's one of the Twins! Its the Twins!" I said frantically, wanting to reach over and pull him toward me, not wanting to see his face. "I don't know their plan, but I know--I know--"

"You know _whhhat_?" A hiss.

A chuckle. Low. Monotone.

"That you_ love_ me?" I shrank back--screaming silently. This wasn't the Warden--this wasn't you at all. It looked like you, sure, but it wasn't.

"Ha-how do you kno--"

"You are easy to read." Your bright features melted into one of the Twins. The other one popped out of no where, making my bones melt and my voice still.

"Yes. Very easy." The other one said with a wry expression.

"You will not,"

"Tell the Warden_ anything_." They were smiling identical grins, voices in tune, toneless and strange.

"Or we will tell him." They said together. "Everything."

"We know about you."

I found my voice, and it surprised me how strong it was.

"What do you want with him!"

They exchanged looks and grinned.

Then--they disappeared.

--

The sickness reeks everywhere.

I am going to talk to him--I don't care what the Twins say.

But I have to be careful.

If I don't--

I may just disappear.


	8. That Little catch

"Warden, about--" I began to say, walking up to him, I dropped a few files, and I started to sweat. I can't believe I was going to do this. I just know I won't come out alive.

"Jared, I'm really in no mood to chat---"

"Bu-bu-but---" I stammered. I was sweating, and beyond scared, and couldn't he see it? How painful it was to be around him? How painful the truth was, and how painful everything was for me? It was suddenly worse than it has ever been.

"Please. I have work to do. That little catch I hired is starting to become a nuisance." He rubbed his forehead, then looked up with a gleam in his eyes, like he could sense I had something important to say. "Okay, wanna talk? What do you think? I mean, I hired her specifically for you." He said with a passion I didn't understand. "I mean, you don't seem to like her very much anymore; is she slacking in her duties?" He gestured with his hands, his eyes weary. "I really need your advice."

His mood swings were getting worse, I thought.

My heart started to thump, like it wanted release from its dark prison, likewise, the truth that dared not escape fully from my throat, all seemed to be trying to asphyxiate me in some way. "Well, sir, I mean, she's not slacking or anything. It's just that... well something about her... is..." I coughed. "A little off."

"Oh? Is that all?" Sarcasm.

_I hate him sometimes._

"Um. No." I said in a meek voice.

"Then what? I see you looking at her sometimes. You don't seem ta like her very much." Zoom, his eyes search mine---

"Well, she seems to _like_ you." I muttered, my eyes hiding from his search lights.

Something flickered between us again, but it was invisible, and barely noticeable. It was wishful thinking on my part to think there was anything anyway.

"That's what is becoming tiresome, Jared." And then he looked away, maybe thinking he said too much.

"Do you like her?" I blurted, covering my mouth, my skin warm and hot and cold and I wanted to leave that very instant.

He tapped his fingers, rapping them against his desk. "I---I think...well, she's... I guess I do." I swear he blushed.

"Oh." I desperately needed a cigarette hearing that.

"But." He sighed. "I like someone else too, and ya know," His hand reached for the back of his neck. "But that is besides the point."

I tried to cover my blush, but failed, still wanting that cigarette, suddenly craving my old teenage habit of Gitane's. I was so confused; why was he bringing that up?

He smiled at me. I think he did anyway.

"I think you should get rid of her." I blurted out again.

He eyed me like I was crazy, but somewhere inside, it looked like that was something he desperately wanted to do. "Why is that?"

"Well, sir, you do know its strictly against Superjail's policy--" I said in a well rehearsed voice, and he knows we've gone over this _too _many times, mostly because of Alice. But I couldn't very well tell him what I really needed to say: _'Because she's a maniac, and she's not who she says she is, she's the Twins, and they are plotting against you, against us!_'

"To_ 'date co-workers'_..." He mocked. "I'm gonna have to change that some day..." He muttered. I think I smiled at that. Don't know why.

"But sir... if you really want my advice..." I started, and he looked at me. "You shouldn't trust her. You really shouldn't. If you're not going to fire her, then at least, be wary." I said with a quickness, my heart starting to jump again. It was screaming at me...

STOP TALKING!

If you really care about your life. . .

Stop!

But then I think,

That maybe I care more about his _life_, than I ever would mine.

I think he_ is_ my life.

"Okay, Jared. Okay. I will."

But I don't believe him.


	9. Still

(A/n: Just one more chapter after this!...)

* * *

I ran into Faryn today, and I felt that horrible thumping in my chest again. I wasn't jealous anymore... I was pissed. I wanted to tackle her and rip that terrible smile off her goddamn face. I feel myself changing. I see it and I feel it in the Warden too.

Are the Twins trying to take over Superjail?

_Impossible..._

I said to her, very quietly: "I won't let you hurt him."

She looked at me with such a darkness, I felt like a flower wilting and withering to dust. Then she became ---him.

"He's just too." She---The Twin droned, twirling blonde curls in between pale fingers. "De_licious _to let go."

I grimaced, and my eyes felt hot. "What do you want? _Why are you doing this_?"

He smiled again. A hot, slow smile. "Oh, you miserable thing, does everything have to have a reason? A purpose? The Warden is a worthy adversary. If he really wanted to stop this, he would have many weeks ago."

"What a horrible implica--" they wouldn't let me finish! THE WARDEN WOULD NOT LET THAT THING TOUCH HIM. NO!

"And anyway," The other Twin popped up, "If We did have a reason, it may just be because we despise you." They chortled in a odd tone.

The Twin transformed again, her stunning features glaring as she poked my chest with her finger.

I spit on the floor in disgust, but my words were more jumpy and less self assured. "Do you _have any idea_ what he will _do _to you, when _he finds out_?" My voice was panicked, on the verge of one of those laughing/crying fits.

"Oh, not more than he's done already--anything else and I will collapse in dizzy--"

"Euphoriaaa" They sang together. Colors swam and circled around them.

"You ARE hurting him you bastards! He's changing! He's chan--"

"You are OUT OF TURN when you SPEAK." The voice changed and grew, spiraling in my ear drums like huge brass bells.

---No---A silent scream that I swallowed like a lump of cold white coal.

"We might give you a moment of solace."

"A moment."

They disappeared.

So did I for a few moments.

--

"Ah, Jared! How are you feeling this fine, fabulous day?" _Someone _said, twirling that damned cane, smiling ear to ear.

I smiled. Glassy and dark. "Just fine, Warden."

"W_hat_, I don't believe you. You look a little ill, dear." He clicked his tongue against his cheek, leaning down and looking at me with a curious gleam, his hand reaching for my shoulder, lightly and tentatively. That made my heart rise a few degrees for sure.

"What's up? Need ta go home? Super Sick Ward?" He suggested. Silence arose. He has to add 'Super' in front of everything?

I wanted to say so much to him. I finally let go, looking up at him, I breathed in his presence like a fine wine,_ trying_ not to stutter. "I-I..I...re-re-really just-"

"Shh. Seriously, it's OK, Jared. I've been out of it, too, lately--you know?" He said in a breathy whisper. Was he getting closer?

Or was I starting to fall?

I was---and fluidly--he caught me.

Humanity. He caught me off guard, again and again.

He caught me. Sympathy.

Our eyes were still. My heart was still.

And he lowered his eyes like slits and widened them like huge glass mirrors unveiled by a drapery cloth.

Breathe. In and out. Like your therapist had said.

In.

Out.

Breathe.

Before I had the chance to even understand---all thoughts ceased---became still---

Still, my lungs filled deep, then,

Still

His breathing, trickling like liquid gas--poison---intoxicating----

I grabbed him by the collar of his coat---

And pulled his_ lips_---

----------To _mine_.

Still.

I breathe.

In.

Out.

My heart is still.

I gasped. He gasped.

We started to breathe, too beautiful to see.

--


	10. Claustrophobic Wonderland

It felt so right when our hot breath collided---his hesitant touches---my grasp against his lips---our eyes half-lidded with hazy desire. It was...

Mad. Insane. _Deadly_.

And perfect.

He's been ignoring me. I don't blame him, I mean, how in the hell did I let this happen, and why did I want it so much? How could I NOT have seen it coming! I'm really the perfect fool, and even bigger a fool to think he really meant...meant that......... maybe I didn't either...? Sure. And maybe one day Allie will come back. Whatever.

_That_ moment was my forever, and even if nothing comes out of this---I'll still have forever, that moment.

On a positive side note, I guess?: I haven't seen or heard from Faryn all day. But, I had a eerie feeling, and even though I was glad I didn't run into Faryn, I mean, The Twins---I felt raw inside, like something was very, very wrong. The Warden was very tired today, dark circles under his eyes and everything. Every time I saw him, he looked as though he would cry. I didn't have to guts to ask where Faryn went, or if she had been fired. It seemed like the Warden had been in a month-long high, and was now just sobering up---with all the usual side effects, and hell, I can't even begin to fathom one iota of what he is going through.

Alice brought up her suspicions of Faryn being fired in a very nonchalant way (Which I despised her for, I mean, I thought the Warden was oblivious...), but by the very mention of her name, the Warden twitched nervously and walked away. I really don't think he even remembers what happened the last several weeks. I really don't.

He's like a ticking time bomb, ready to burst at any moment. And because of this, Superjail is starting to suffer. Usually, even when he is in a not so great mood, Superjail is still pretty cheerful, well, I mean even though many in-mates die and _do_ kill each other, and millions of horrible acts are committed in here, just above the surface, it always_ looks_ bright and cheery. Not today, though; it was dark, thundering, and cruelly cold. No one went outside today.

_I need to keep strong for him_. I just keep telling myself that. But just by _writing_ it I feel like a fool. I am trying to forget what happened yesterday, but it is still so vivid, so fresh, so intoxicating---and whenever I LET myself linger on it, I feel my reality shatter and simultaneously reassemble all over. It's so searingly painful---and so intoxicating dizzy, I can't seem to get out of my head once I start thinking on it.

--

_How do you get yourself into these predicaments, Jared, do you practice?_

I ask myself quietly, as soft, trembling whimpers crawl from his throat.

He practically falls in my arms, as he runs blindly into my office, stumbling towards me. I get up, walking slowly around my desk---quickly being clobbered by his shaking frame. He hugs me so tight, I literally can't breath. I choke a little; his voice barely tolling above a whisper as he says, "I'm sorry---" loosening his hold some, but as a result, he shakes more.

I hesitantly wrap my arms around his back---wondering on how it felt so damn _good_ to feel needed without trying.

And soon I'm getting comfortable with his weight, even though my back is digging into the desk.... I whispered, "I---I'm... I'm here for you."

"O--oh Ja-Jared...ohh god..." He sobbed out, his voice trembling, breath quivering, eyes red. I didn't notice till then, but as his hands stopped shaking, and his gasping cries were softened, I noticed I had been circling my fingers against his back. I blushed and stopped. He's practically purring, and like a cat, stops the incessant drone once I stop the attention.

He looks up at me, and smiles, his body much calmer. "I should have...listened to you." He says quietly, murmuring, his voice not as shaky as before. Even though I had been dreaming of the day he would say that to me, I kept my mouth and ego shut. I cared way too much now to say anything, and I didn't trust myself to anyway.

"You know that if I was myself, I would have seen pas-past that---you know I wouldn't of fallen for that--they wanted me to think that---and I---I just don't know...don't know..." Throughout what seemed like nonsensical dribble, the cause of what was most likely shock, I did my best to try and figure what he was_ trying_ to say. I suddenly spoke, clear and high, not here, my mind far away. My body, far away from this. Far, far away.

"I-i-it's okay, Sir, I mean, no one in your position would have seen clearly---"

"No, Jared. Ya know you deserve at least... at least that."

My mouth glued shut at those words, suddenly jolted back from my own thoughts to now.

"I can't really remember anything. All I remember... now... is..." He suddenly became angry, jumping up from our strange embrace. "I'm the Warden, and I can't let anything, anyone, get in the way of Superjail's success, can I?"

"Na--no, sir..."

"Well, I won't let those_ cretins_ ruin my life. I will not stand for it!" He stomps his foot into the soft carpet, a muted thump. "People die everyday."

I obviously didn't understand those words until much later---and if I did, I would have been---well, not_ scared_....?

"You know..." He trails off, looking at me suddenly. "I really don't have any idea what has happened in the last several weeks." He said with a odd smile, a nervous smile, and it really made me....

"Jared?" He almost cried out. I finally retracted from the spot my horrid back was placed in, ready to at least try and catch him if he fell.

"What is it? You want to sit dow--"

He touched his forehead, then slowly looked at his hand. His eyes were morose. I was at a standstill.

"I killed her. Didn't I?" He said in a echo, tumbling over, luckily, I caught him, but only barely.

I dragged him gently over to a chair, helping him to sit down.

He murmured softly, sinking into the cushion.

I was in a frantic hysteria. Wanting to soothe him, wanting to know, wanting to hold him and never let go; but holding would never be the same as _knowing_. Knowing the truth, however fucked up it is. That's what I really needed from him.

I pushed away some strand hairs from his face in my own way to settle myself. Put things in order, somehow.

Before I realized it, I was trailing the backside of my hand along his cheek, toward his lips...

He shuddered and drew closer to me. I stopped.

"I ha-have to stay away... from, uh, you..." He mumbled.

I smiled faintly; looking around my office vainly. I couldn't call Alice. No.

"Can't let you know..."

Huh?

"Ja...Jared..." He murmured tonelessly.

"Yes?" I said in a squeak.

"You know I didn't mean it, right? I didn't know... I di-didn't know..."

Of course. For now, let him rest; we'll figure everything out later.

"Of course. It's okay, rest your eyes." I said softly, surprising myself.

I was fixed on his softening features. Then as I thought about how to tell Alice about this, a clammy hand reached for mine.

Around my wrist lazily, his skin slides down to my fingers, soft at first---then: tight, tight, tight.

--

An hour later, he awoke, and I was busy with some really difficult problem I knew I had to overcome in order to solve the budget thing.

"Oh." He sounded far away, odd.

"Sir?" I asked softly.

"Did I really fall asleep?" He wasn't talking to me. Or anyone it seemed.

My heart was beating and pounding blood in my airways.

He stretched, standing up.

A few moments of thick silence rang in my ears like hollow trees on a still, chirp less morning.

Then he looked at me, and the silence broke. Not because he said anything. It was how he looked at me that said it.

"...What did I _tell you_?..."

A moment of horror stretched in his muscles, tensing up.

"I---you...I mean, you were just---just upset."

"Ohhh." He looked down, and the silence grew again, his muscles retracting and relaxing. "I've been trying to piece this all together. But I can't. I am losing everything. Everything."

I looked at him, his eyes downcast. "You still have Superjail."

"Yeah." He nodded. "I do."

He leaned against my desk and looked at me anxiously, then quietly... then there was something I couldn't place.

The air seemed to rise to heat, a few degrees up in the room then down to our eye level. Again and again.

His eyes became soft. His lips parted slightly.

I was so distracted by him, I can't imagine how ridiculous I looked. The Warden was so oblivious to how beautiful he can look sometimes.

"Bu--ut." He tapped his pointer finger on the wood of my desk. "I have you too." He smiled with such a quality... something I have only seen when he smiles at Alice.

Only much softer. Much, much softer.

He leaned in a little closer.

I was falling in the Warden's Rabbit Hole, I was lost to the world... _lost_... in some kind of hot, claustrophobic Wonderland...

"Warden...Warden, I...I," I was stumbling, blushing like an idiot.

He seemed amused by my fumbles.

"You know, you're quite intriguing when you blush."

His words seem to set a motion to me, a motion I couldn't stop.

I leaned a little towards his face and with all my shame and faults and horrible deeds, I let myself go.

"Jared? Whu--"

"I love you!" I cried out, falling back into my chair, my voice with a hint of desperation, my eyes still and open wide.

His face was motionless for a moment, shocked, deeply penetrated by what I had said.

"Ja-Jared? You do?" My mouth was dry.

A few agonizing seconds rolled by like a tidal wave.

"I-I'm sorry! I know you have your own problems! It's okay! You can go! I won't be upset! I won't!" I said in a frantic quickness, my eyes now dripping my new-found love that was never new, only different, different in every moment, but newer and more brilliant everyday---and my blasted eyes allowed me to show it all.

He was focused on me, I could feel it, and strangely, like magnetic energy was in both of our hands, they touched, and even though I wasn't surprised, I was angry for some reason. I flinched and moved away.

He looked at me with confusion.

"Jared...Jared... please..."

"No! Really. I have work to do, sir... I---"

"Stop calling me...stop calling me sir! Okay? Just stop!" He stood up, slamming his fist into the desk.

"WHY?" I suddenly yelled. "You are terrible, you know that? I thought that the Twins would try and kill you! I really felt it! AND YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, DO YOU?" I started breathing raggedly, not paying attention to the Warden's reaction. "No... no... you never do, do you? Do you?"

"No, I don't." He replied calmly.

"No! And then you come in here and I feel so safe... I feel like we... we maybe could be..."

"How could you loving me be a problem?"

"Huh?" I was caught off guard by this question, I stopped immediately and focused all my attention on him.

"Well, you said I have my own problems, so you implied I might have a issue with you're being in love with me. I mean, why would I? Everyone loves me, right?"

I first was confused, then in a nervous bout of what was my anger, my passion, my grief, I laughed dizzily, feeling lighter all of a sudden. He grinned.

"Well, except Alice..." He sighed, tapping his chin.

I sighed too, letting little titters escape from my body.

He looked at me sweetly, I think he did anyway, and sat down, crossing a leg over the other.

"I think I owe you some background on this. I mean, maybe if I say it outloud, I will understand things better."

"Al--Alright." I took in a deep breath.

He followed.

* * *

(A/n: Wow! Intense, right? Well, I know I said this will be the last chapter, but I lied, ok? One more, and this WILL BE DONE!)


	11. Closer

I stare at him for the longest time.

Who was--- who is this man?

What name would give him justice?

Impossible, that's what I say.

He doesn't speak for a long while.

I think he's staring at me to.

---_Warm salty breath still floats in my mind_---

Who are you?

I feel my love shrinking, and growing over and over_,_ like an incessant, desperate toll of tick, tick, tick--- as I am aware of the silent clock behind us.

Who are---

I can't believe I love this man--- who hardly seems to know himself---who hardly knows what it is about him that glows and shines---so brightly sometimes, others can't stand it---others must resent it, resent him, for being so free, or others may just think they're going blind, or crazy.

Who are _you_?

I think of Allie and I think time is shrinking---escaping---time I _could _have given our relationship a proper name. What's in a name? A soul? An attempt at meaning? A formality? But then I think, how could I capture something like this, something so profoundly intense, in a single letter, a single sound, a single name? It's impossible.

Who?

I love a man---

_Who _

I love a entity---

_Who _are---

I love a ghost---

WHO ARE YOU?

I love---

"Jared?"

I snap out of my daze, looking at him with a soft surprise; red in my cheeks.

"Y-yes?"

"You alright?"

"Fine." I was about to say 'sir' again, but I bit my tongue.

He coughs softly and rustles around in the chair. "I-I guess I'll try to start from the beginning." He eyes me carefully---like an imploring doe, meek... s_cared_?

But I'm not scared, no. Silence starts, but dies weakly when he speaks again.

"Sh--shit..." He says in a breaking cry, a raspy whisper.

My hand travels the wood of the desk, wanting to caress his pain away, wanting to do so much more than sit here. My eyes are fixed on his crystalline cheeks, marked with slippery cascades of wet.

His eyes travel up, up, up to my own eyes. Weary and strange.

My hand freezes.

Who are you.

Strange. _Stranger._

"Warden..." I want to touch his hand, I want to---

run away, disappear, love him there, kiss him everywhere, love his soul and wring it out, and let it dry and then smooth out the wrinkles and kiss every single inch---

But I, for the sake of whatever sanity I have left, try to be objective.

_Remain _objective.

"Huuh?" He sniffles.

I smile. "It's okay. I'm here for you."

He smiles back, and I think he remembers me saying that before. It sort of gives me hope. I still have hope.

_And_ who are you exactly...

_jared?_

He looks at me with a soft little smile that I can't stand...that I have to love.

_I_ know him_. Good _and_ bad. Everything. The madness. The brilliance. The ego. Everything. I know_ who he is.

. . .i embrace it all.

"Jared. I have to say so-something. And I know...I know it's su-something you won't like."

I go quiet and a million scenarios run through my mind. Only one will fit the bill. And I sound like a therapist in my own head, but it's to remain objective, I think, but I hate it anyway. It reminds me of my father...

Wh...who are you?

"I..." He laughs a little. Like a kettle releasing a little steam before the---

Who are---

Big--- splissssssssssssssh scream hisssssssssssssss ---**explosion**

**YOU?**

"I think I---I think I... ki-ki---_killed her_...!"

Instead of explosions and fireworks, he curls into himself---sobbing, and I know he can't breathe, but I am frozen. I see my hand quivering.

But I am frozen, and I know my eyes are wider than ever, still and shocked.

. . .

I stare at him for the longest time.

Who was---who is this man?

What name would give him justice?

Impossible, that's what I say.

He doesn't speak for a long while.

I think he's staring at me to.

And then the cre_scendo_---or the fall?. . .

"Wh--wh-wh....who are you?" I shriek--- my whole body empty with raw, indescribable terror, and my body is quiet but shivering.

"Jare-Jared," He starts to cry... chunks of sweaty, slippery sobs and goo---

Hands reaching, trembling for mine...

Those horrible hands....

Hands...

That touched mine....

Touched _her_... then _his forehead, then red..._

"NO!" I scream.

Just then---

WHAM! goes the door.

Both of us go silent---

"What's goin' on here?" Alice yells.

The Warden attempts to adjust himself, but only looks more worried and more nervous and more terrified. I am practically falling to the floor.

"O-oh... Alice..." He stumbles over to her.

I want to die.

"What?" She says at him, but I can tell she is worried.

He doesn't say anything. He just faints. She catches him. I just watch.

who am i ?

--

I try to wrap my mind around my reaction and try to rationalize it---and I know, however I rationalize it, I know I had betrayed him. I betrayed his trust in me.

I blew up on him, and of all people that was the worst thing to do.

Two hours later, it finally hit me--after my initial shock and anger and confusion died down, it finally hit me---

I know nothing. I was probably the first person he had told. I know nothing really about the situation.

And knowing it involves the Twins---I should have given him more credit.

A lot more.

Two hours later, I was ready to forgive him for anything he might have done. _Anything_.

"Please Alic-Alice.. please... let me just.. just...." Just what?

"He's out like a light, ya little freak, there's nothing you can do. Don't go near him." Then she leans in toward me; a little too close for my liking. "You should see, he looks like death in there. But you can't, can you, and even if you did, what could you do about it? Now get over it and get some sleep 'fore I knock you out." Her heavy whisper hits me hard.

I know I must have looked like a fool standing there, silent, heavy tears rolling down my face.

She softens her features a bit. "Look, I don't know what's going on, but if you wanna settle _anything_ with him, you both need to rest. Now---now go!"

I find myself nodding slowly as I leave.

Before I go, I smile, "Thanks Alice." I say in a nasally, worn voice. She grunts.

She's a good person sometimes. I guess.

--

The next day, my head is clear and the blotchy marks on my face are clear, well, from the crying and shit.

I'm clear and with purpose.

I know who I am.

I know who the Warden is.

And whatever he did,

I know...

I know that I am irrevocably and impossibly---

In love with him.

Alice, to my surprise, has slept outside of his door all night. Strange.

I walk past her snoring figure, and decide to get some breakfast. Maybe think on how I will go about this---situation.

I go into the Staff Mess Hall and get some pears and a cheese omelet, some dry toast, with a nice caramel cappuccino.

It all go downs like thick glue.

--

After breakfast, I ran into Alice, who merely said, "He's still asleep. I have to go and take a whiz. Also, I will be too busy to watch over you two, so don't bother hi--" She almost stopped, maybe thinking she had said too much.

"No, it's okay. I need a break from all of this anyway." I said softly. She nods and runs off.

--

Things have gotten quiet in Superjail. Things are never quiet.

But the Warden is still in bed.

And all is quiet.

And this is my world. I cannot escape, but I do not want to escape.

And yet I am terrified.

What would I do without him?

Live in the real world?

Maybe call my sister for once? Maybe reconcile with Allie, or anyone else?

Maybe.

If I had a life, I wouldn't have the Warden.

Maybe anything could happen.

Maybe I could make him happy for awhile.

One thing about the Warden I have come to know is that he is very unpredictable.

And that's when, while I was walking down endless halls aimlessly, I wasn't very surprised when a poof of rainbows and colorless swirls announced the man of the hour, and I can't say I wasn't at all _not_ expecting it.

"Why hello." He says daintily, leaning on his cane. He looks at me with a refreshed expression, but it's a little muddled, a little bland.

When I see his eyes now, I am relieved to see some light back in them.

"Hi." I say plainly, ignoring the tremble to my voice.

"Walk with me." He says in this soft voice.

I start to catch up with him, trying to find my own voice, when suddenly his hand makes a leap for mine, his skin sliding against me, against a wall, and I am so caught up in the sensation, I forget everything for a minute.

I get lost in passion, in lost passion, now found, leaning up against him harder, as his face peers into my own, searching. His breath leaking tendrils of sunshine into my pores.

I'm delirious.

But then I find my voice. "S-sir?" Its muted, my voice, and I can barely hear it.

"I told you not to call me that." He says, in a smile that's neither sad or happy, or anything.

"Warden, I..I just wanted...oh god, I'm so..."

"Shhh.."

"Warden, I just wanted to say, just wanted to say..."

"I'm not going to let it bother me. Okay? I'm not." And at first I think he's talking about me and last night, but it's not so.

He leans a little closer, and starts to touch my hand, but it slips away.

"Tho--those Twins...Twins...they controlled me, and I guess for the last couple weeks, I wasn't consciously aware of anything, only somethings, like I was in control of what I did, and how I felt, but in a lot of ways, I wasn't. They had me in a spin." He smiles, but it's like that little release of laughter before. And I don't know what to expect about this sudden, abrupt admission. "They made me think she wanted Superjail. She wanted to take over Superjail. She wanted to kill me, kill you, kill Alice. I was drunk...drunk with rage..." He lazily draws out rage with passion, his eyes overflowing with it. "I didn't know what I was doing till I did it. It never occurred to me that she was... she was....real."

And the revelation was like a blinding light. And it hit me and him in every direction, in every crack and crevice.

"Real? I thought she was the Twins! I thought she was just... just false!" I can't contain my anger. I almost push him away.

I just let him stay with me. I just hold him closer.

"Yeah. Well, once I found out, it was too late."

"So... they controlled her too?"

"I think...I think they used her body to get to me. I think they brainwashed her. It was all too late."

He sniffed as if crying, but I saw no tears. "An-and, then what?" I asked, following his narrative like I was in a loony bin listening to myself speak.

"Everything was dangerously close to falling apart. I thought I was going crazy, I ran from my room, went and scrubbed all the bl-blood. But then when I came back t-to my room, I didn't see any blood, or her body. The Twins must have taken her. Ri-right before she died... oh god, right before... she looked at me, so strangely, like, _what are you doing...what have I done to you to deserve this_, but she didn't say anything."

"An-and then... I ask them---like an idiot: Why?" And the keys on the piano of Superjail hit a crazy string of screeching notes. He fell against me a little, and I held him loosely, our eyes close and my heart quiet and barely beating. I felt dead.

I wonder: _was _it to take over Superjail? These masterminds, these criminals... the worst the Warden has ever seen, had a reason _above_ reason.

"An-and you know what they said?" His pupils dilate, and watching those eyes up close, I feel my soul swell with euphoria; madness, his madness.

I'm afraid to say anything. Because now he's so quiet.

His breath is shallow now.

He speaks: "To get me closer to you."

At that moment, everything that has happened... the 'crush' he had, the mood swings, the way he just let me kiss him, everything, came together.

He whispers: _Closer_

My heart finds its beat. Blood roars in my ears.

Serene, calm, beautiful---

Soft, gliding skin---

We kiss.


End file.
